She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize