What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
