Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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