I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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