The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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