So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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