I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I want a musical about memes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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