im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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