I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
