This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need moral support for this bender
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
