final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They took my balls.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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