I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
