I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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