And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
