The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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