It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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