I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
