someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
