According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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