If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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