Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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