Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
