Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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