i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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