dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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