i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
