I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
