I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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