My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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