HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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