I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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