I think I died a long time ago.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
