dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
