remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
