I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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