my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
