I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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