Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
