What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize