He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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