Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
