and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
