My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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