Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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