i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
