the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
