I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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