Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
