im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
