When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
