From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
