I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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