It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
