The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
