Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
